Is Neediness Ruining Your Marriage?
Rosanne looked at the clock and couldn’t believe only 17 minutes had dragged by. Seemed like about four hours… Her coach had warned her not to initiate conversation with her husband, given his recent actions involving speaking with a lawyer. She unintentionally had been pushing him away by chasing him down for relationship talks, demanding that they sort things out, and finally he had packed a bag and left for the weekend. He had just texted her, “Made it to Orlando” and she was so tempted to immediately respond. She had been waiting for him to communicate with her and according to the website, his flight had landed hours ago.
She sat stunned at how difficult it was to take her coach’s challenge to discover the depth of unhealthy attachment she had by waiting 19 minutes before responding to a text from him. She had literally checked her phone at least 50 times in the last three hours, according to the open stats on her cell phone. What should she say? She wanted to text, “Why didn’t you text hours ago? What have you been doing?” but she knew that would be a “push” and another demand… and he had asked for space and peace.
This was crazy hard.
UGH. What was it in her that needed him to … she didn’t know what. Whatever she wanted, he seemed to fail at making her happy, there was always something wrong with how he did anything. Rosanne spent too many evenings letting him know what she saw as faults of his and how he could do better if he actually cared more. Her coach suggested she may need to work on her gratitude skills, reminded her that God calls us to be grateful in everything – she had no idea how to even start!
What was she going to say to him?
She texted her coach the question and filled her in on his text. “I need to know where he’s been for the last three hours because his plane landed that long ago!” she added.
“Text him, ‘Great! Have a fun weekend with your brother!’” came the coach’s reply.
UGH. She didn’t want to do that. Felt fake. She let her coach know this.
“You don’t have to do this,” came the reply. “But the Holy Spirit in you loves this man and wants to bless him. Do you think it is good for him to connect with his brother?”
SIGH. “Yes…I just want more.” Rosanne responded.
“Well you can’t force him to give you that now. He’s been clear. You can allow some peace and space so God can help him find his way back to you – or you can continue to push him further away. It’s your choice.”
UGH. Fine. “Great! Have a fun weekend with your brother!” she texted him. She hated how not okay she felt, not knowing what he was doing, who he was with, where they were going… it was all too much. Being silent all weekend was going to half kill her. She let her coach know that, too.
“I get it. Been there. Done that. Bought the T-shirt. It doesn’t work. You are free to do whatever, but what you’ve been doing hasn’t been working,” came the reply.
Rosanne thought about how he had slowly grown more and more distant as the years went on. She had to admit she’d become less grateful, even though many of the blessings were still very present in their lives. He was pretty similar to what he was when they married… She decided to work on being more grateful for what she had in an effort to give him the space he had asked for and work on her neediness. men often become more silent and less participative as they receive more criticism for their behaviors. Complaint only leads him to withdrawing your influence! As women, we can be angry about that, or we can work with it to level up in the relationship ourselves. Then we can regain the influence we had in the beginning.
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Relatable? I really hope not, but for all too many women, this is a common mind-set. It’s based in fear, control, and a lack of solid identity. Some women get their identity from their husband or children’s behaviors toward them. This is an unfortunate condition that leads to controlling communication and eventually pushes people away. When we chase, they run the other direction. Most men need some breathing room. And yes, sometimes it is THEM who are chasing and being controlling. What is interesting is healthy boundaries bring forth solutions in both cases, regardless of who is doing what.
The issue we run into is battling our own feelings and not committing actions that make everything worse. Dr. John Gottman’s research out of University of Washington shows that when a man is not willing to receive influence from his partner, there is an 81% chance the relationship will self-destruct. Without boundaries, women are not viewed as worthy of respecting, and while there isn’t data around this, time and time again, we have personally seen the relationship change when the woman adds boundaries to her life – AND stops acting like his mother, treating him like a wayward teenager.
Does the husband enjoy this process? Usually not. But it does cause him to respect her more, which then changes the relationship. Does it happen overnight? Heavens no! She is usually doing this dance between fear of his reactions and the bravery required on her end to choose the boundary and execute it consistently. She engages with God repeatedly, daily, facing the insecure desire to have his approval at any cost, discovering who she really is in Christ in the process.
Ironically, many times people discover they are worrying about things their spouse isn’t even concerned about. Nicholas Epley of University of Chicago found that in dealing with strangers, we can correctly detect feelings and thoughts a whopping 20% of the time. Sad truth for marriage is that it’s not much better – 35% of the time. Bottom line – when we are in our spouse’s head, thinking we know what they are thinking or feeling, 65% of the time, we are WRONG.
Besides, neediness like this isn’t attractive. At all.
A couple’s friendship is KEY to building and maintaining a satisfying relationship. 70% of marital satisfaction comes from friendship, according to Gallup. Think about how you treat your best friends – do you freak out if they are three hours “late” texting you when they get somewhere, or do you give the benefit of the doubt? Not surprisingly, the benefit of the doubt is also a major factor in successful relationships. Thinking the worst about your partner erodes trust – and when you speak about what your fears are or nag them for not thinking of you, you COMMUNICATE that lack of trust to your partner – this is not useful.
DARE YA!
Spend some time in prayer looking at the times when you are “spun up” emotionally around your spouse’s behaviors. Sure, they may have some bad ones – so do you. Are you giving the benefit of the doubt? Are you holding them to a higher standard than your best friend? Know this – to effectively deal with anyone else’s challenging behaviors, we must FIRST successfully manage our own and level up our own actions.
If you are mothering him, stop. If you are chasing him down, demanding actions or decisions, stop. Say his name, make sure you have his attention, ask if it is a good time to talk about abc. If it is, ask your question, or present the topic. See where that goes. If it doesn’t go well and a decision must be made due to time issues, make the decision – and be okay with him not liking it. Maybe, “I agree, I prefer to make decisions with you, also. Maybe next time we can talk through it in time to choose something together.” THE END.
Take an inventory of what opportunities you have to grow in this space with the Lord in prayer.
If you stop treating your husband like a child, he will likely behave more like the man he is with you. Consider spaces where you can add FUN to your marriage – make a list of five specific fun things to do (even if they are small) and invite him to join you – then HAVE FUN. It will change your marriage because the positive inputs start outweighing the bad, and data from Gottman’s group shows the more positive inputs a marriage has, the better they weather conflict.
And what to do if he is so checked out he won’t do anything with you? Don’t take it personally. Instead, reach out, get some help. This is not our first rodeo, and if your marriage can be saved, we can help you do that.
BOTTOM LINE
Whatever you pay attention to grows – so make an intentional effort to add positives to your marriage on a daily basis and increase the friendship.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
- What, if anything, was relatable to you about the story?
- When is the last time you were consistently friends with your husband?
- What five specific fun things are you going to invite him to do with you and when? How will you handle any rejection?
- What do you sense God saying to you through this dare?
Let me know what you think! I can’t wait to interact with you about this – feel free to just respond if you got this in email. I read all the comments sent, and respond to most.
Love to you,
Nina
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PS – is it time to actually DO something about your marriage? Start with our FREE Strength & Dignity primer! Grab your seat at https://greaterimpactwives.org right now 
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