3 Ways You are Blowing up Your Marriage

“He never takes me anywhere, he just comes home from work and lays on the couch watching TV or hiding in his home office on his phone. I’ve been home all day with the littles and need a break and I don’t get one! He isn’t even eating with us any more. If I ask him to do anything, he doesn’t even answer me, I’m so done!” Rhianna sobbed over the phone.

“I’ve told him how he needs to put the kids to bed and he just stares at me. I’ve asked him to hold me and kiss me, and he literally walks away or does it like it is an inconvenience. He doesn’t love me. I’ve told him repeatedly how I feel and nothing is changing and I’m so angry I want out!”

My heart was heavy for her. Married just five years, she was bearing the full load of childrearing, cooking, cleaning, and she had a little business on the side – but she was too exhausted to enjoy any of it.

Maybe you can relate?

I remember feeling similarly – and didn’t know that I could have operated differently in it and changed everything. I finally figured it out, however. Thank You Yeshua!

“Of course you are exhausted and frustrated. You have a lot on your plate, and are carrying a huge burden, one you aren’t meant to carry alone,” I began.

“Well my family isn’t going to help me,” she interrupted. “They are terrible selfish people and I just can’t even think about asking them for help.”

“Can I finish?” I asked, respectfully.

“Oh. Yeah. Sorry.” she replied.

“Can I tell you a hard truth?” I asked.

“I probably won’t like it but sure,” she said.

“No, that’s probably true,” I began. “I know you are hurting. I know you are feeling alone. Given all the stress you are under, anyone would be feeling like that. If I might offer a thought around this, and it is a common thing I see in tons of women… what you’re doing isn’t working, is it?”

“No, he is just getting more distant,” she said, voice quivering.

“Yes. That’s because he is shutting down. In everything you’ve described (there was much more than I’m sharing here) you’ve shown Gottman’s Four Horseman of The Apocalypse are running rampant in your marriage. You are right to be concerned about it. If you don’t do something different, it’s going to get worse.”

“What do I do?” she asked.

I spent the next 30 minutes describing to her the options she didn’t see, and she realized she was viewing everything through a negative lens. She decided she wanted to start showing up differently. It will take a few months, but based on what I know of it, I see this marriage as savable.

Here are 3 Common Things Women (and sometimes men) do to Blow up Their Marriage:

Blame – when we focus on the inadequacies of the person we married, we are taking the enemy’s bait and participating in the sins of harshness, disrespect, self-seeking, lack of self-control, and not carrying our own burden by taking care of our side of the street. YES, your spouse may have hurt you, said something mean, or didn’t do the thing they promised they would and you are devastated. What’s also true is that the more you are focused on your spouse, the more of a mess you are making in your marriage. It’s counter-intuitive, but I’ve done it myself, so I know first-hand how unproductive this behavior is.
Treating men like they are women – we inadvertently create tons of issues by holding men to standards that come naturally to women. A simple example of this is asking him to take out the garbage when it is full. And you still find yourself taking out the trash anyway. I’ve had this very discussion with a bunch of wives. When they ask their husband a simple question of, “I know you plan on taking out the garbage when it is full, but it seems like that isn’t happening and I was wondering if you knew what that was about?” Surprisingly often, the answer comes back, “I empty it when it is full. It gets emptied before it is full, so no, I don’t get the chance to empty it.” Seems like men will smash more things in a can that looks full to women, and maybe we do some of that, too, but we often have different definitions of many things. Too many women interpret things like this as, “He doesn’t want to help, he isn’t engaged, I have to do it all myself, he doesn’t love me,” and often none of that is true. To him, the can isn’t full yet. So a different conversation needs to occur so they can BOTH actually experience communication.
Not having self-respect or respecting him – self-respect means taking care of yourself, and having boundaries. Respecting him means being kind and gentle in your communication, regardless of what you are speaking about. Respect for both of you means you don’t participate in conversations when either of you are the slightest bit emotional. That needs to get dealt with first, then the rational problem solving can begin. It disrespects YOU to allow yourself to lose emotional control. This is what toddlers do – and it disrespects your husband because you say all sorts of damaging things that often aren’t even true.

What’s also true is these are reflections of negative thinking. Philippians 4:6-13 is actually a formula to deal with either our Automatic Negative Thoughts, “ANT’s,” as defined by Dr. Daniel Amen, or Negative Sentiment Override, “NSO,” as defined by Dr. John Gottman. When we do not think the best of others (an essential element in successful relationships, according to Gottman) we start following the enemy down a path of destruction.

Philippians 4:6-13

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

How I praise the Lord that you are concerned about me again. I know you have always been concerned for me, but you didn’t have the chance to help me.

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.

I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.

Unfortunately, too many of us are on the lookout for hurt – and guess what – we will find it.

As we grow in our relationship with Christ, we become less offendable – I’ve experienced this myself, and have watched many others do likewise. Does this mean we don’t have conflict? NO. It does mean that we can navigate it without taking things personally. Will we be perfect at that? Also NO.

A great way to think of this is Romans 5:2-5…

Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

I believe God has glory in the midst of your hard circumstances. I believe Him, for the unearthing of your (and my!!) character (which is His character, as we allow it to operate within us) as we journey through hard things. Sometimes our faith is tested – so was Paul’s! And yet he continued to believe God. This is one of my favorite passages in the Bible:

2 Corinthians 4:8-18

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;

persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.

So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself.

All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Bottom line – when your faith is challenged because of the state of your marriage, know you aren’t alone! We have been there and understand the struggle. And at the same time, I believe God and personally know what He has done in my life and others. Stand firm in your faith in Him – He is faithful. There’s a popular meme that says, “God doesn’t always calm the storm, but He does calm His child.” I believe God allows our circumstances to shape us, grow us – and that is our journey here. To deepen our relationship with Him, ourselves, and others.

It’s a journey worth taking! Peace and joy live on this path

What about you?

What challenges you about believing God when your circumstances seem to not reflect His glory?
Have you seen yourself change into more of His character, regardless of your circumstances?
What advice would you give someone else on this journey?

Can’t wait to hear from you! Feel free to comment on the blog, or just respond to this email if that’s how this showed up. I read every response and try to interact with most.

Love to you,

Nina

PS… If you are interested in joining a group of women who are pursuing holiness in their marriages and deeper relationship with God, themselves, and others, check out our FREE Strength & Dignity space at https://greaterimpactwives.org/greater-impact-wives today!

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3 Ways You are Blowing up Your Marriage